According to the BBC there have been 1200 murders in Jamaica so far this year. That seems a little high. On the subject of things being a little high, rent at the hostel has gone up because we're now in the summer month of December and everyone wants to be in Sydney come Christmas. In the Caribbean island MP's have voted to keep the death penalty (that's a lot of injections), which has caused a stir in some quarters. In my quarters (and that of the others inside room 302 of Base Backpackers) the price hike in rent - now set at $196 a week to share with 8 people in a fire trap - has caused more than a stir, so I have taken drastic action: I have moved in the missus!

I have made attempts to find digs of my own (by that I mean I have looked at two properties, so take my efforts with a pinch of salt), but certain factors are against me: I do not know how much longer I am going to be in Sydney as both Lysey and I are moving to New Zealand in the new year once she gets the nod from work; I also do not have the bond and rent required upfront – quoted at $1200 for one place I looked at this week.

Of both properties, house number one (22/11) was a palace. Believe me, it was one of the best terraced properties I have ever seen, and that’s including everything I have run my eye over back home too. Polished floorboards downstairs and plush carpets upstairs, the place oozed elegance. All three bedrooms had built in wardrobes, and the house also came with a front and rear garden – a rarity in any Sydney property. (Indeed, upon stepping foot on the carpet I shrank two inches.) The major problem, however, was that the property was unfurnished. I simply cannot afford to buy a bed, a TV, washing machine et al, especially as I do not know how long I’ll be here.

House number two (26/11) was set in an apartment which housed 30 or so individual private properties, and it was located in my former suburb of Stanmore. Of the five available, all of them were of a sterile appearance; everything was white and each place, almost all identical, had a homogenous ‘shoebox’ feel to it. For the price of $200 per week, plus the bond and initial down payment of $1200, I wasn’t won over. Therefore, after some subtle hints dropped by yours truly and with Lysey acting upon these I will be moving in on Tuesday (2/12).

To be honest, the hostel wasn’t too bad this week, but I think it was aided by my decision to only spend four nights out of the seven here. With most of my time spent at Lysey’s, including this week, to some it may seem logical that I move in. The only stumbling block, however, is in my head; Lysey shares with a housemate, who I incidentally get on with very well, but I feel that I am intruding on their space. If things don’t work out I’ll look for something else, but it won’t be in a hostel.

Now that we’re soon to be living under the same roof we’ll obviously do more things together. We’ll no longer have the luxury of own personal space, but I think we’ll be ok. Furthermore, I realise that we are intending to live together next year in New Zealand, but I consider that as being ‘our house’, so I won’t be over thinking things in my head. However, certain things have started in earnest, including moa cooking my first ever meal for someone other than myself. I was like Gordon Ramsay, not because of my cooking abilities, but because I was loosing it in the kitchen during my efforts to make us, plus her housemate, a Mexican. (26/11) Luckily, everything went to plan and we all enjoyed the meal. I do not, however, feel confident in this becoming a permanent arrangement.

Another newbie to me involves Christmas Day as I’ll be spending it with the in-laws in Goulburn, some two hours by car from Sydney. For the past two years’ Lysey has missed out on a family get together come Noel due to work and traveling, so this year she has no excuses. I have been told that her family is accommodating over ten people on the day, and here where the problem lies. I have come to learn that her parents have bought me a present, of which I am of course very grateful for, but now that I have to buy them a present (I was going to anyway. They have both been very good to me), but where do I stop? Do I buy for other members of the family or just stop at the parents? Again, I think I am over thinking things. I really must find some new hobbies or take up talking to the people in the hostel just to keep my mind occupied.

I suppose I still have my hobby of making myself laugh, though. (I am the don at this). To prove this, on an initial unrelated subject, but tied with house hunting, everyone in computer land has received the emails proclaiming to be from a Reverend or Bishop in western African claiming that s/he has a mother who is dying of cancer, and that you've been chosen to inherit their fortune. However, in order to receive the life savings (life savings from Nigeria - alarm bells should be ringing already. What's the national yearly salary, 20p?) you need to reply with personal information such as bank details, email address, age, address, mother’s maiden name etc.

Well, these con artists' have moved into the field of estate agency. Prior to my plans to move in with Lysey I was frantically searching for properties, and as I have enquired about so many this particular gem didn't initially register, but it will remain with me for the rest of my days. The house, 298 Sussex St (slap bang in the middle of Sydney), is available if I send all the aforementioned information along with pay details to a woman claiming to have recently moved to America, but she is now looking for someone to take care of her flat. The emphasis, as she put it, is not about the weekly rent, but more about the care shown for her property and belongings.

With that in mind, and the fact that I am no moron, I have been winding her right up. Apparently, all potential renters are not allowed inside the property, but are allowed to view it from the outside, hence the reason she made such an issue with the address. I initially began by asking rather mundane questions such as 'when are you back in Sydney so I can meet you in person?' In all fairness, I initially received amicable answers, but that is only because she’s after my money. To this particular question her response was along the lines of… “I am not returning to Sydney for a while, but please reply with your personal information.”

Not wanting to fulfill her wishes, I decided to up the ante somewhat. My next email asked the following: "I have one more issue; it says in the advert that the house has to be kept immaculate. Well, I have two pets - one cat and one cassowary. Would it be ok to keep them in the property or not? I want to be honest with you, as you have been honest with me. I do not want to get into any bother later down the line as I am really interested in the property", to which her reply was as follows: "Thank you very much for your email, am very glad to deal with someone like you. i want you to know that me and my family are very happy to give the rent to you. i also want you to know that you can mo0ve in with any kind of pets ok even is more than 5 i want you to know that is allow. so please i want you to know that i have not see the rent application form so please i want you to shown me or you send me"

By the way, a cassowary is a bird native to Australia. Emu-like in appearance, it is a deadly animal; one rip from their giant clawed foot and you'd be saying good-bye to all your internal organs. How could I possibly live with one of them? Moreover, I don't even like cats.

Grammar and punctuation clearly isn't her forte, and by this time I could sense that she was getting angry. I then decided to do what I do best and press on. My following email and her response was as follows:

Me: "I forgot to mention one thing in my previous email regarding my pets. My Cassowary has an animal friend who is a dingo. Anyway, the dingo has a sister who is currently mating with a hippo, so that would make six pets in total. I know you said five pets are allowed in your previous email, but like I said, I want to be straight with you."

Her (Sandra Greiciales. That's all the information I have on old Sandy):"Ok dont worry you can bring all the six pets ok but just make sure you are neat and tidy with all my things ok and also here is the rent application form below and once you fill it i will give you call so that we can talk on how you will send the money and how you will get the keys"

I have been literally laughing so loudly at work every time I respond. Imagine me living with a cassowary, a cat, two dingos and a hippo in the middle of Sydney! I am so funny, and to prove it, I went one further. My next email, and perhaps my best one yet, went as follows. (Remember, her initial demands about anyone moving into the property were based on the uptake shown for the property.)

Me: "Excellent, you have made me and my boyfriend so happy. I have filled in the application form and I have also sent him the form. Because we are going halves on the rent he needs to fill the form in.

By the way, is it ok if I live with my boyfriend? We have been together for so long that it would be cruel to split us up. Moreover, his crack-addicted whore of a mother tends to visit every night. Would it be ok if she were to stay some nights? I don't mind what you say as I don't really like her, but she is good at what she does. Also, if it's ok, I will be willing to pay you an extra $10 per night, so it means more money for you.

What do you say?"

I would love to tap into Sandy’s brain, just for one day. I really would like to know what is going on up there, especially as my replies were getting dafter and dafter with each reply. She subsequently was starting to get annoyed, as highlighted by her response of "after this message i dont see your rent application i promise you i will not reply you again.and i mean it because i can see that you dont want to provide your details." However, I attempted to reassure her that I was in fact genuine with this pearl of wisdom.

Me: "We are both genuinely interested, please believe me. He is faxing across his copy of the application form now, but before he sends it he wanted the answers to all the questions about his crack-addicted whore of a mum being allowed to stay. I knew he was overreacting as I know you'd be fine with it. It looks like we might lose the place now - I hope we don't as we both walked to the place last night and we liked the look for it from the outside. His mum liked it too, she wants to erect a red light out the front."

Golden, I know, and her response was: (I am putting in the edited version as it was very wordy with not one full stop. Deciphering it was annoying enough for me, so I have saved you the effort) "ok i understand you Yes !!!! you can bring your mum ok that is not a problem but atleast you should see that i have been asnwering your questio since morning atleast you should tell your boyfriend to please get back to me with the rent application form ok.... and please i beg you again dont email me without the rent application form because my family are not happy they see you as if you are not seriouse and they are little worried that they dont want to give this rent to you so please if you can attahced it below i can talk to them so that they can accept it so please hurry up with... please let me know how much you want to pay because the total cost you want to pay now is 1300 AUD with the bills so please when you email me the rent application form also request for the payment details so that you can send the money to me via western union and once i comfirm it i can send you the keys today.... please be fast and also please i want to ask you a question can you still send the money today???? if so i want you to hurry up before western union close so please and please get bac to me Asap please just give me ur addres and phone number where i can reach you please and please be fast."

I have left it for now and I haven’t answered any of her questions. However, I may resume my windup next week, that's if I get a 'spare' five minutes at work.